Chicago is, in my opinion, the greatest city in the world. It has it all, including a hospitality and friendliness unique to the heartland. The people are great. The nightlife is awesome. Culture – Check. Food – Magnificent. Sports – The Bulls! The Blackhawks! Da Bears! The White Sox! But holy tap dancing Harry Caray on a stick do the Chicago Cubs Suck with a capital S.

 

I realize this isn’t an epiphany. They’ve continued to crap the bed year after year. They suck so much this season that I’m afraid a black hole is going to open up on the pitcher’s mound in Wrigley and swallow us all. In fact, I believe the Cubs are the reason the Mayan calendar ends this year.

 

They haven’t won a World Series since 1908 when Teddy Freakin’ Roosevelt was president. Here’s a picture of Teddy two full days after somebody told him the Cubs would be the most dominant team of the twentieth century:

 

 

I’m sick of these pathetic, perennial losers. Even Susan Lucci wins an Emmy every 21 years. And unlike the Scrubs, Susan Lucci is HOT! Hey Susan, how do you feel about being included in the same sentence with the Wrigley Rejects?

 

The last time they won a pennant and earned a trip to the Series was in 1945.  That year, the Allies ended up winning World War II, but the Cubs wound up losing to the Detroit Tigers.  A lot has changed since then, but one thing has remained constant – The Cubs haven’t been back to the Fall Classic.  It’s gotten so bad that “Oh well, wait ‘til next year” has been replaced with “It’s like herpes…It’s never really going to get better!”

 

Now, most root for an underdog. Hell, that’s half the fun of March Madness! But who enjoys placing perpetually unfulfilled hope on a bunch of interminable flops? Only the mentally ill and the most hardcore masochists, that’s who.  Like this guy:

 

I used to root for the lovable losers, but no more.  I was in Cincinnati for a Cubs/Reds game not long ago. Having been a Reds fan since the Big Red Machine was winning back-to-back World Series championships in the mid-1970’s, I try to get over to Great American Ballpark at least once a summer to see my favorite team play and enjoy the incredible atmosphere that is unique to a live baseball game and a beer buzz.

 

It’s not unusual to go to a home game and see a small percentage of fans wearing the jerseys of the visiting team.  I wasn’t paying a great deal of attention, but as I was walking in I noticed that there seemed to be a larger number of Cubs blue jerseys than one might expect away from Wrigley Field.  It wasn’t until I had been in my seat, halfway through a bag of peanuts, when I realized just how many enemy troops were in the stadium.  When something went the Cubs way, the stadium would erupt with thunderous, Praise the Lord! applause.  It was confusing.  That’s when I really took a good look around and realized there were thousands of rabid Cubs fans in attendance. I felt like a minority in my own ballpark.  And a lot of those blue-jersey wearing crap weasels had better seats than I did.

 

So, I have to wonder how many of these supposed members of the pathetic Cubs Nation are true fans and not akin to idiot celebrities who glom onto a pet cause in order to feel better about themselves because they offer no real value to society.  How many of today’s Cubs fans have been lifelong, hardcore devotees and what percentage are of the lightweight variety, having jumped onto one of the all-time ultimate underdog bandwagons? For those of you that fall into the latter category, I’m calling you out while wearing a green turtleneck and giving you the finger Steve Bartman style.

 

To all you true fans of the Cubs Nation, I raise a glass of Old Style and wish you relief from your pain. I sincerely do. Success has to eventually come, doesn’t it? I mean, every team has a bad century, right?

 

 

All pictures included in this post were pilfered from the Internet.